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Saffron: "I do know my Bible sir. "On the night of their betrothal, the wife shall open to the man as the furrow to the plow and he shall work in her, in and again till she bring him to his fall and rest him then upon the sweat of her breast.""
Mal: "Whoa. Good Bible."
―from "Our Mrs. Reynolds"
It's a girl. Cute, too, but I don't think she's all there. 'Course, not all of her has to be...

–Jayne, about River, from the pilot episode "Serenity."

Yes, you'll be in your bunk. Yes, you have a big damn stiffie. And yes, we might end up burning in a very special level of hell...


  • Everyone on the crew is fetish fuel. River is a psychic assassin who likes feeling up the ship. Mal is a hardened veteran who enjoys being in charge of his crew. Kaylee is a sweet and innocent mechanic who likes strawberries. Jayne is a muscled badass with guns always akimbo. Inara is a prostitute with a wide selection of culture and who is much much better at sword fighting than you think. Book is a gentle, fatherly priest who's not as good as he appears to be. Simon is a nervous doctor who is way too obsessed over his sister. Zoe is an exotic looking woman who is a warrior and seems to spend as much time with her captain as she does with her husband. And Wash is a zany smartass who dresses up as a pirate in Dodgeball. There's something for everyone.
    • You forgot Serenity herself.
  • While leaving out the very, very obvious examples of sexuality in Firefly, one has to wonder what River was going through during Objects in Space when she was sensing what Wash and Zoe were doing in the cockpit...especially considering the very suggestive look on her face and the way her hands were moving.
    • Imagine, if you will, a lover who can not only sense your emotions and thoughts with perfect clarity, but can also detect your own physical sensations, right down to the physical state of your body - a lover who can thus adjust her movements to perfectly get the reaction she needs out of you. The mere concept is...brrrr.
      • Imagine being that person. Not only are you getting off, but you're feeling the other person get off too.
      • It's a veritable loop of getting off! Kinda like those exits that make you go through a tight 270 degree turn after coming off the interstate doing 85. Except with slightly less risk of actually killing yourself.
      • Perpetual orgasm machine?
      • Am I the only troper that after reading this part about River is reminded that she is incapable of holding back any feelings or emotions? Like, say, an orgasm...
      • Imagine feeling your best friend having sex with your brother...
    • When I first got the Firefly DVDs, and I got to that episode, I just kept watching that ten-second clip where she's swaying, eyes closed, and rubbing her arm. Nnnnng.
    • Also, is it just me or does River get tied up or handcuffed a lot? In "Safe" she gets tied to a stake, she gets handcuffed by Feds in "Ariel" and in the Big Damn Movie she gets strapped to a chair and handcuffed to a floor grating.
      • And she's a psychic so she knows it's coming. Why doesn't she stop it? Maybe she enjoys it....
      • Not to mention in "Ariel," the Feds have to shove Jayne and Simon around, but River seems very....compliant.
    • Or Kaylee tied up in the engine room on the brink of tears. Don't you just want to cuddle her and tell her it's all going to be alright?
    • Not to mention how often her bare feet get shown in "Objects in Space" and Serenity.
      • Well Joss has referred to River's feet as the eleventh (and twelfth) character.
    • In "Safe," Mal's comment of "Gag her, if you have to." when talking about River. My mind went to horrible places.
  • Kaylee. Eating a strawberry. MMMMMMM.
    • Or just Kaylee in general
    • Also, I could stand to hear more about the battery-powered things betwixt her nethers.
    • In the basketball game, Kaylee jumping on Jayne and sitting on his shoulders to get a better shot.
    • This troper knows a certain community of guys with Cosplay fetishes who loved the episode "Shindig" because Kaylee dressed up bore a resemblance to Aerith◊ from Final Fantasy VII.
    • Tracey wearing a heart monitor as Kaylee walks into the room.
    • This troper agrees wholeheartedly with Simon thinking she looks especially pretty when covered in engine grease.
    • I recently found out that Jewel Staite had to put on 20 lbs to play the part of Kaylee, and in This Troper's opinion she looks better with it than in Serenity, where Jewel didn't put on the weight. Anyone agree with me on this?
      • Ohhhh yes!
      • DEM CURVES.
      • YEAH! COMMON GROUND! But yeah, in Serenity, she just looks kinda... I dunno, frail? Like she might break, or something. Whereas Firefly Kaylee, I just want to hug and hug forever.
      • She's in some Lifetime movie, where she's just too damn thin. But then, she was in an episode of Dead Like Me, and I didn't even recognize her, because she had a body. She was really hot.
    • Kaylee, as noted above, is already a smoldering pile of turn-on. At the end of the Big Damn Movie, she kicks ass and takes names. What prompted her? What fueled Bad Ass Kaylee? The Power Of Love(-making).
      Kaylee: You mean to say as... sex? * grabs gun* Hell with this, I'm gonna live!
  • If you're going to mention Kaylee and the strawberry, you can't forget River trying to eat the Ice Planet. Something about her confused inability to eat the thing is so adorable.
  • "Um...I'm...I tore these out of your symbol....and they turned into paper....but I want to put them back, so...." Pure, complete, absolute Moe.
  • And don't forget River's introduction.
  • The Show Has A Prostitute In It. One who is highly trained, very selective of her clients, and clearly holds the reins in "directing" her clients' behaviors, both physically and psychologically. And she looks like Morena Baccarin. shiver
    • I believe Morena Baccarin is basically what happened when scientists tried to give "sexy" human form. Mmmmmmmmm.
    • Then there was that dress Inara was wearing when Early paid her a visit. You know, the one that you saw ALL of her leg...from toe to her ass. Oh, dear god!
  • Again, Jayne, for this troper. More specifically... Jayne's. Arms. Muscly, sweaty and slightly hairy men, yum enough already, but... just Jayne's arms. Not really any other part of him. Just his big, sweaty biceps. (And preferably his forearms and hands too, or else that'd be so weird even I wouldn't go there.)
    • Forget Jayne's arms, this troper has gotten a whole new fetish from watching closeups of Jayne's face. It's the eyes, I swear. Though the facial hair does work, even though I never liked men with beards before watching Firefly.
    • I would give all of my vital organs just to be Vera for a day.
      • With your luck, it'll be the day he does nothing with her.
      • No, no, no, you see, weapons-competant people take good care of said weapons, and Jayne loves that gun, so he probably disassembles and reassembles and oils her up every day...
      • Doesn't Vera, like, hang over his bed? I wouldn't put it past him to sleep with that gun in the crook of his arm like a teddy bear— either way, this troper would die a happy woman. (Different from the OP, but still, oh, mercy.)
      • In the episode Heart of Gold, he's sleeping next to a hooker and he is STILL holding onto his gun. Which means it's probably safe to say that there is a weapon in bed with him every damn night.
    • It's just Jayne in general for this troper. She loves large, strong, bad boys.
    • Sigh. This troper's wife now forces him to keep his facial hair -exactly like Jayne's-. Not that I mind, and at least we haven't had issues of 'wrong name', yet.
  • Where's The love for Wash? I can't be the only troper who thinks he's particularly good-looking. The eyes... and the whole "Nice Guy" background attitude are just so... ahh..
  • This troper just has a love for girls with guns. And how Firefly satisfies it....
    • "No power in the verse can stop me." Summer Glau, with a gun, and her cute little voice. Mmmmm.
  • This troper was sure someone would already have mentioned the entire episode War Stories, and now feels a bit freakish for her hot-in-the-pants reaction to Mal and Wash getting shirtless and tortured.
    • No need to feel freakish. This Troper wasn't sure if she found Nathan Fillion attractive or not until a bloody, sweaty and tortured Mal stumbled across the room and beat the crap out of Niska. "You wanna meet the real me now?" HELL YES!!
    • Don't worry. This troper isn't afraid to admit he had a similar reaction to Serenity's intro, with River strapped to the chair, moaning and crying in pain and fear.
      • This one isn't afraid to admit she wrote a fanfic about it. :) (And still managed a funny ending.)
    • This troper didn't quite have that reaction to the torture scene...but was, for some reason, a little hot in the pants for Wash being all half-conscious the whole time. Might have a fainting fetish or something.
      • Wash seems like the kind of guy who would faint/swoon/get nosebleeds— which seem to be, naturally, huge turn ons in a man for this troper. Damnit!
      • I bet Wash would be incredible. The man's a super-pilot. I'd let him drive me any day.
      • On the other side of the sexual preference spectrum, River has the ability to faint on demand.
  • Woobies trigger immensely protective masculine instincts in this troper, so naturally River makes him feel all sympathetic and protective and makes him want to just hold and comfort her. And from there, well....
    • She kills you effortlessly? River would likely be the one doing the protecting, and of course for some that's fetish fuel too.
    • In that situation, I'd be going to the special hell. Hoo boy.
  • Don't forget that in Firefly and Serenity, Joss Whedon seemed to enjoy showing shots of River's bare feet....
    • Kaylee's, too.
    • To be fair Summer Glau was a professional ballerina and their feet are simply mesmerizing.
      • What is a miracle by itself. Due to the amount of tension on their toes, ballerinas' feet are usually awful.
  • Zoe's arms? I've been admiring those muscles since Cleopatra 2525.
    • Zoe's fetish fuel is some kinda forgone conclusion, gotta be. She's soooooo dreamy. And that vest...
      • Zoe in the basketball scene...the vest. I'll be...hell, you know.
      • But the biggest thing about Zoe is in the pilot. She forcefully drags a man by his collar with the stated intent of taking him somewhere to have sex with him. Okay, it was her husband but mark up one reason he said I Do.
      • "Work, work, work."
      • Man, This Troper dosn't even * like* girls much and Zoe makes him squiggly. Damn Sexy Zoe...
      • This Troper thought she was straight until she saw Firefly, then she developed a crush on Zoe, and Inara, and Kaylee... (River, Simon, Jayne, Mal... The whole damn cast, okay!)
      • And sadly, she might be the only lady on Firefly we don't get to see barefoot.
    • This troper doesn't really find Zoe attractive in more than a general way. Except for those lips.
  • Uncreative as it is, this troper finds Saffron very...special.
    • Beautiful pale-skinned, blue-eyed, red-haired girl who happens to be the ultimate manipulative psycho bitch? Yes please, may I have another?
    • Not to mention the Most Common Superpower in spades.
    • Knockout kisses. Literally.
    • Seeing YoSaffBridge and Inara facing off, first trying to seduce each other, and then fighting? I declare win.
      • Saffron and Inara have the most elegant necks on television - factor in the symbolism of Inara as a geisha and Saffron as a kunoichi, and you have a potentially throbbing fanbase in Japan.
    • Plus, Saffron was all naked and...articulate.
    • And she wound up covered in garbage and locked in a steaming metal box in "Trash".
    • Personally, I found the character Saffron played in her first episode to be far more fetishy than her later, actual persona. Similiarly to the second Saffron-fanboy - beautiful, pale-skinned, blue-eyed, red-headed girl who is utterly naive and apparently brainwashed, who just needs someone to protect, teach, and guide her in the modern world? Yes fucking please. He was terribly letdown when the real Saffron came out.
    • Oo Oo Oo...the girl in the box. It's just the opposite for me; I found the image of the ultimate manipulative psycho bitch locked down, distressed and humiliated very appealing. And that was twice in one show: once by Mal (sweet revenge,) then by Inara. They should've kept her as a housepet.
    • Ahem. Gentlemen (and ladies, which would be hot). She is played by Christina Hendricks. It's a tie for me, between (Firefly, not Serenity) Kaylee and Saffron.
    • Don't forget when she forced Mal to strip naked at gunpoint. For any male with a thing for CFNM (Clothed Female, Nude Male) situations, that whole scene was pure fetish fuel.
  • Simon. This Troper just finds his poor, skittish uncertainty with the new world he's been thrust into so... so * cute* . You just want to torment him a little... mrrrr...
    • Though this troper doesn't exactly like the whole idea, he can fully understand where the fandom's tendency to 'ship Simon and River comes from.
    • This troper finds Simon incredibly sexy — for entirely different reasons. It's a Tenth Doctor sort of thing. He's intelligent, rational, collected, and cool, almost reptilian — except that he's also absolutely passionate about the people and ideas he cares about. He's straightforward, even overly-clinical, yet self-conscious in courting Kaylee, which is this troper's personal favorite way of being approached. His gorgeous and flattering clothes help. His shirtless episode helps even more. My boyfriend got jealous of him when we watched the series together and I started squeeing over him a little too much...
      • And add the Tenth Doctor personality to the fact that he looks a bit like Eleven (In retrospect). This Tropers dream guy right there
      • Agree completely with above. Also, VESTS. And SWEATERS. Ffff.
    • Given that Simon is going through everything River is going through from a different perspective, it's understandable how he displays some of the same effects on fans who prefer men. If you really want a fantasy, imagine you have River hostage, literally or by way of being able to help if he can persuade you.
    • This troper started getting a little... antsy near the end of "Trash." You know, when Simon gives Jayne that little 'talk'? The frail, articulate doctor, suddenly so... dominant over the big, rough, barbarian mercenary, telling him how he could exact terrible revenge on him, but that he won't in a strange, almost S&M way. Gah. Brrr. Rawr.
      • The way they interact is practically Foe Yay throughout the whole series, and it's pretty hot to watch the resulting power plays and attempts to gain the upper hand. There's even an interview with Adam Baldwin in one of the Firefly companions where he speculates that Joss was trying to create some subtext between their characters.
    • You want dominant, how about "Ariel"—the episode where Simon gets to show off all the things he's awesomely competent at, culminating in that scene where he chews out the hospital surgeon so thoroughly that the only response one can imagine delivering in that poor doctor's shoes is a meek "yes, sir." Um...rowr.
    • This troper loves guys who can speak more than one language. Sure, even uneducated redneck hillbillies can speak Chinese in the Firefly 'verse, but when he starts speaking it...damn! The occasional doctor-talk ain't bad either. Combined with the abovementioned personality, manner of dress, abs, blue-eyes-black-hair combo, abs, and abs...makes it hard not to judge all men on a scale of Zero to Simon Tam.
    • He put River to sleep with a trigger phrase. What OTHER magic words might he know? I just want him to show up and use some of 'em on me.
      • It only works on her...
      • Shh!
    • No one's mentioned his waistcoat? Thanks to him and Torchwood's Ianto Jones, this troper can't look at men in vests the same anymore. Especially nice, embroidered ones.
    • Simon made this male troper go bi.
    • Simon when he's being manhandled and/or beaten up. Anything from Jayne grabbing Simon in a headlock in the pilot, to him being manhandled by the hillbillies in Safe, to him getting the ever-loving crap beaten out of him in Jaynestown is more than enough to send this troper to her bunk.
  • I think 'Shindig' is one of the weakest episodes in the series, but I'm willing to forgive it on strength of the scene with Inara in a revealing nightgown swordfighting. Made of sexy.
    • "Shindig." River. Convincing Cockney accent in Summer Glau's adorable voice. Squee.
      • Badger isn't the only one who looks both intimidated and turned on at the same time by that scene.
      • ...and this troper is both intimidated and turned on by him. It's the accent, I swear.
    • Hey, it had a man willing to shed blood to protect a woman's honor from an aristocratic scumbag. A prostitute's honor. Isn't that a fetish to someone?
  • raises hand* A Sorta-shiney Good Knight fighting for love and honour? YES PLEASE. Shindig is one of my favorite episodes for this very reason. Also for the profusion of gentlemanly speech and chivalrous dance-acting. mmmmsigh.
      • Count me in, too. (And I'm all man.) What can I say? Inara. You only have to say her name: Inara. This entire page should just say "Inara."
  • River, breathing heavily, covered in sweat, eyes wide, standing over a pile of thoroughly defeated enemies, with blood dripping off her weapons, and not a scratch on her. Yeah, I just got turned on...hard.
  • River as whole is not very sexualized, which for this troper, just makes her that much more sexy. Sure, you've got Zoe, the Hot Amazon, Kaylee, the nerdy, adorable Wrench Wench, and Inara, who is Ms Fanservice incarnate, but there's something about River's mussed up hair, full-length dresses or sweaters, minimal makeup, and pale, unhealthy skin that makes her....brrrrrr.
    • Must be something about Summer Glau. The girl can go from cute and Moe to dead sexy in a heartbeat, just by changing her body language.
      • It honestly isn't common for me to get too hung up on pretty girls, however talented, that I see on TV or in films. But there's something about Summer that fascinates me. The way she moves, I could watch the fight scene in the maidenhead bar over and over again and never get bored.
  • It shouldn't come as any surprise, but River dancing in "Safe" triggers all manner of happy squeeful thoughts.
    • The scene keeps changing back and forth from River dancing and a huge, awesome shoot-out. This Troper learned something new about himself when he realized he was sitting there during the shoot-out parts, waiting (im)patiently for the scene to cut back to River.
  • "Objects in Space" is wall-to-wall Fetish Fuel for River. Its not just the obvious instances of her bare feet or her "reaction" to Wash and Zoe. There's also the multiple instances of her, ahem, flexibility, and for some reason she just looks adorable in that space suit.
    • Not to mention the implication that she sleeps naked. Sure, lots of women do that, but the idea of River sleeping naked is...um....yeah, my bunk, etc.
    • Adding to that: remember in the pilot, where River is wearing that loose gold-colored silk coat-thing that Inara gave her? Yeah, she's also naked under that. ...I feel dirty thinking about it.
  • The Mudders. Covered in filthy, stinking slime for the better part of every day. I know for a fact there are mud fetishists, I've seen them on the Internets, mostly squeeing over Dirty Jobs.
  • Yes, Mal getting naked in "Trash" was plain old Fan Service for certain viewers, but what about those who fantasize about being the one who gets stripped?
    • Being forced to strip naked at gunpoint by a busty redhead? Oh, yeah. This (somewhat) submissive troper's mind was going places in that scene.
  • Didn't want to bring it up, but ...Reavers. Psycho Rapist Skinning Cannibals; I do NOT want to hear what fantasies they inspire. Let's just take it as a given that some people are into that and never speak of this subject again.
    • Maybe you shouldn't have brought it up in the first place.
    • Ah, but then someone else would have.
    • There's a fanfic out there crossing over with the most recent Film/Star Trek film, and also with Sandman. Reavers. The Corinthian. Chekov. It's a party!
      • It's on the st_XI kink meme. I wrote it :) (and come on, that kid in 'Bushwhacked' was rather... toothsome! Surely I wasn't the only one to think that...)
  • Trash is a d/s candystore.
    • Mal searches Saffron at gunpoint and expresses a desire to leave her to die before settling on locking her in a box instead.
      • Saffron blatantly tries to seduce Mal while he's searching her at gunpoint.
    • Saffron forces Mal to strip at gunpoint and leaves him naked in the middle of a wasteland.
      • Mal then faces the smirks of the crew when they come to rescue him and he has to walk on board the ship stark naked.
      • Yeah, but that's not a humiliating nudity; he looks extremely smug, as if he knows what he's got is above contempt.
      • Also a great moment for Kaylee, with her being the only one who isn't awkward with Captain Nopants.
    • Inara teases Saffron with a non-functional gun before locking her in a bigger but smellier box than before.
      • Which finally makes Saffron beg for mercy.
    • Jayne wakes up unable to move at the mercy of Simon, who takes his sweet time telling him he's going to recover then interrogates him.
    • Jayne threatens to show River his man parts if she doesn't behave. River responds at the end of the episode when Jayne is being questioned by Simon poking her head in when Jayne calls for help with a slightly vindictive look in her eyes.
      • "Also? I can kill you with my brain."
    • There is something special about Zoe making friends with Saffron by way of a left hook.
      • I saw that. Yeah, I'm in too.
    • Saffron made Monty shave off his beard.
  • River watching Kaylee and her brother having sex.
    • Ceiling River is watching you procreate.
  • Am I the only one who thinks Nandi (in the episode Heart of Gold) was H-O-T?
    • You mean Lady Heather?
    • You most certainly are not.
    • She's played by Melinda Clarke. Why are we still talking about this?
    • When she's talking to Mal and she asks him if he can sleep with that sexy voice and her eyes half-closed...ooh shivers
  • This troper has a thing for girls wearing optics or goggles. So, when he saw River at the beginning of the movie, with those big, adorable-looking blinders on for the mule ride....
  • Then there's the whole Huge Guy Tiny Girl concept, and in the Big Damn Movie, during the Maidenhead fight scene, there's that moment where Jayne runs up on and grabs River from behind, wrapping his giant tree-trunk-sized arms around her tiny, slender body, and then she grabs his crotch....
  • Every Browncoat deserves this dream. Shiny.
  • The not-quite-obvious but very not-so-subtle Les Yay/Romantic Two Girl Friendship between Kaylee and River in both the pilot episode and "Objects In Space."Kaylee: (while looking at a sleeping River) "She's a real beauty, isn't she?"
    • And there's possibly even more Les Yay between Kaylee and Inara. Kaylee practically drools over how "glamorous" she looks with a female client, and the way Inara does her hair causes Mal to ask point-blank if she's taken to "servicing crew".
  • Anytime River is in a spacesuit. On everyone else, the suits are nifty, but on her, she just looks so adorable. Probably because she's so tiny and the suit is gigantic.
  • For most of Serenity, River is wearing this long, flowing dark blue dress, made of very thin fabric that...clings well. Combined with the contrast of her very pale skin and dark hair, that thin, full-length, flowing dress somehow looks really damn sexy on her.
    • Not to mention, how she preps for the bar fight. She slowly and calmly slides her jacket-like thing off. Before she started attacking people, I thought she was going to strip or something. Then the punches and kicks, and the absolute dirty fighting was just... woah. Girls usually dance, dodge, backflip, etc. But River... she does some dancing, but also some very dirty in-your-face fighting too. How she kicks a beer bottle across the room and into a guy's head? How she knocks Jayne out with a metal dinner plate? I love girls that fight dirty.
    • ...Damnit, this troper is supposed to be straight and now she's thinking all kinds of NSFW thoughts about River!
  • This troper has never been more jealous of a fictional character than in "Heart of Gold" when Nandi got the holy honor of boning the infinitely fine Captain Tightpants. This troper's crush on Mal had been epic and the sex scene honestly made her hate Melinda Clarke's wonderful opportunity to writhe naked on top of a man that gorgeous. Shame, shame, shame.
    • This troper didn't come to hate Nandi, but dear god would she give anything to be the one "servicin'" the gorgeous Captain of the Serenity. * shudders* I'll be in my bunk.
  • River editing the Bible, with a long stream of complex mathematical babble while doing so. Squee.
    • Not to mention, any girl who has the gall to grab the preacher's Bible and rip pages out of it, scratch things out, and write her own things in there, and tell him to his face that the Bible is "wrong" all with a calm, collected manner of speech is purely amazing and sexy in a way. What can I say, I love disobedient, headstrong know-they-are-right girls.
  • Has anyone mentioned the shot where River's bare feet walk onscreen then pause, and then her hair descends into shot followed by her face? Dunno why, but that does it for me...
  • Am I the ONLY ONE who finds Wash to be a walking, wise-cracking source of fetish fuel? 'Cmon, guys! The silliness, the relaxed attitude, the blond hair, the muscles ...
    • This troper is a straight male, but good God does Wash have nice arms.
  • The Les Yay between Inara and the counselor in "War Stories." I'll be in my bunk.
  • Fess Higgins in "Jaynestown" is shy, not very confident, and oh so very submissive to Inara. His physical appearance suggests that he should have the exact opposite personality, but he has been stifled by his father, and is still a virgin at 26. The way Inara builds his confidence and tells him that he has to decide to be a man demonstrates that her work is about more than just sex, which makes it even more attractive. Seeing him stand up for himself also induced squees. Oh, and there's also the fact that he wears glasses.
    • Agreed, so very much.
  • Seriously, nobody has mentioned River's feet? I love a cute girl that runs around barefoot 90% of the time. I would so love to kiss her feet all day long!
  • Simon in that perfectly buttoned-down uniform at the smart of the Big Damned Movie. One moment all cool and collected business, the next - BAM! Yes, please. In fact, he almost always looks like the kind of man you want to see lose his cool. (Or maybe that's just me.)
  • Rewatching the pilot gave me some squiggly feelings when it showed River asleep in the infirmary.
  • How has nobody mentioned the bit in 'The Train Job' where Inara claims Mal is her indentured man with three years left in his debt and that she thinks 'we'll have to add another six months after this adventure'? I go squiggly. It's the cold way she says it...

"The special Hell."

I read Jewel Staites blogand found her speculation about what might happen in Serenity 2. The first line is "Hypothetically speaking only; River and Zoe really hit it off, fall in love, and decide to form their own renegade girls-who-kick-ass space team and leave us in the dust." I never before thought about River and Zoe as a pair, but now that I have considered it I can assure you that it will get considerable bunk-mileage.

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