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CaptainJohnHart
It's just sex, sex, sex with you people.

–Captain John Hart, summing up the show nicely, Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang


A pansexual captain, a policewoman, a cute teaboy, a computer geek and a horny doctor fight crime catch aliens in present-time Cardiff.

Torchwood is a Darker And Edgier, Hotter And Sexier, and Bloodier And Gorier Spin Off of the British science fiction programme Doctor Who and set, naturally, in the Whoniverse.

We're just stressing the Hotter and Sexier part, because the Great Gods Of Kinkery blessed the show with something for everyone.



  • Torchwood example: Captain John Hart. He's even kinkier than Jack, he's Jack's Evil Counterpart, he wants to sleep with a poodle, and he's James Marsters.
    • The kiss he shares with John Barrowman is perhaps the sexiest moment ever broadcast on the BBC.
      • For the record, Marsters has stated that John Barrowman is a better kisser than Sarah Michelle Gellar. Hell, yeah!
    • Is this the place to point out that the Expanded Universe presents a race of sentient poodles (the novel Mad Dogs and Englishmen by Paul Magrs)? Who at one point have the Eighth Doctor and companions naked?
      • Oh, great, now I want kinky Alternate Universe Fan Fic where Captain John saves them just so he can have the sentient race of poodles all to himself.
        • This is the Internet. Do you really think that that fanfic isn't already out there somewhere, for those brave enough to look?
      • "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang" happens to be one of this troper's all-time favorite episodes. Why, you ask? Oh, just this. (And you're welcome.)
      • The part in "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" where Captain John claims to have been a good wife REALLY hit my gender-role-swap fetish button
  • "Everything Changes" opens with the entire Torchwood gang working in the rain, soaked to the skin, while Jack talks about how he can taste hormones in the raindrops...and the fact that he once got pregnant.
    • We also see Gwen in her police constable's uniform -- and also soaked to the skin. (Some viewers thought the uniform was dorky-looking, but you never know....)
    • We get to see Gwen in a black police vest and panties when she's puzzling together the Torchwood mystery in the first episode.
    • At one point in the episode, we see Owen seduce a young woman in a night club with the help of an alien Rohypnol (in breath spray form). When her boyfriend protests, Owen uses the breath spray on him. Boyfriend immediately offers to call a cab for all three of them.
  • "Day One" centers around a space gas containing the life force of a female alien, who possesses an otherwise chaste young woman and uses her body to seduce both genders so she can feed on the energy of their orgasms. It's like the plot to a porn movie.
  • "Cyberwoman" of course has the partially-robotic (and mostly nude) Lisa◊. Not only does her costume resemble metal bondage gear, but she spends every scene where she isn't stalking the Torchwood team literally strapped to an operating table. (We'll just ignore that there's no logical reason for the Cybermen to give their body armor molded breast and ass plates.)
  • Then there's "Greeks Bearing Gifts", in which the shy "sexy secretary" Toshiko is Mind Raped by a bisexual alien telepath inhabiting a human body.
  • "Combat" from that same season is an homage to Fight Club featuring sweaty, shirtless young businessmen slugging it out with alien monsters. (Sure, Owen Harper isn't everyone's cup of tea, but there were undoubtedly some viewers who found him attractive...)
    • There were, although this particular troper has a preference for the relatively innocent, coke-bottle glasses wearing, Toshiko-loving woobie version of Owen from "Adam".
    • Granted, that was a real part of his personality; he just usually kept it well-hidden. Remember, he always did have a soft spot for terminally ill children. (For some, the fact that he kept his "sweet side" well-hidden made him much more endearing.)
  • This troper is flabbergasted the scene from Torchwood's season 2 episode "Reset" where Martha is strapped to a table, struggling and sweating, hasn't been mentioned. The growing alien in her stomach pushes it over to Fetish Retardant eventually, but until then...mmm...
  • Children of Earth. Jack is chained naked to the wall, while a dominatrix-type all dressed in leather watches over him. Then she pours sexy goo cement over him.
  • On a slightly different note...this troper (unlike most female viewers) never had a thing for Gareth David-Lloyd (Ianto Jones). That is, until she saw a video of him performing with his band Blue Gillespie: all sweaty and disheveled in his street clothes, with his voice all low, and rough...and gravelly. Oh dear, sweet God...
  • Though I don't find John Barrowman that attractive, but whenever he gives that grin...mmm...
  • Gwen's accent does things to me. Things I certainly wouldn't mind the Black And White Beauty behind said voice doing to me.
    • And as of Miracle Day, she is officially a Hot Mom-- a hot Action Mom, no less. Mmmm.

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